One year

I know that I have been neglecting my blog lately, but I just haven't felt up to posting. Not a lot has happened, but I just needed a break and I still do, but I wanted to post about my one year without my mom. 11/17/11 I held my mother's hand as she drifted out of this world. One year ago, I held the hand who had always held mine and gave her permission to go. I promised her that we would be OK. I'm not so ssure that I kept that promise, but we have tried. I have days that I still want to curl into a ball and not get out of bed. I give myself permission to have those days and then I try to get back up as soon as I feel up to it. I have had one full year of firsts without her here. AN ENTIRE YEAR!!! I had intended to release balloons on Saturday, but that didn't happen. What did happen is that I spent some time with my dad and grandmother and then had Celia's 3 year and Christmas pics done. I think it was a good idea to schedule those for that day because I had something else to focus on. I cried a lot, but I'm just beginning to think that it is a normal reaction most of the time. My poor, beutiful daughter is so very sweet when she sees us sad. She starts to sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star so that we don't cry. She is amazing. It still just absolutely amazes me that she understands why I'm sad. She went with me to my parents on Saturday and I teared up a little as we pulled in the driveway and so she said to me: "mommy, are you sad because your mommy died". How does a 3yo understand sadness? She told John last night that she was having to sing to me a lot because I had been sad all of the time. I try really hard to not lose it in front of her, but this weekend I just couldn't control my sadness. I will love and miss my mom always. I think I have decided on my tattoos. Here they are:

I want the one above on the R. It is the symbol of a mother and daughter which could stand for me and my mom and me and my daughter. The other one I am considering is a cancer ribbon on my foot with her handwriting around it. While some might not agree or approve it is my way of always having a piece of her with me. I hope that I can find some way of pulling myself out of hte funk that I have been in.

WW - More Birthday Party Pics - Take 2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Holidays are HARD

I truly do enjoy every single holiday/special day now, but they are still hard. Saturday was still sad no matter what. I teared up a few times that day becauase my mom should be there. She should be there to see her granddaughter's birthday party. I cried because not only was she not there this year, but she also missed it last. The last time my mom left the house for anything other than treatment or dr appts was for my birthday last year. I am truly grateful that she was there last, but it also hurts that she wasn't able to get around at all then. I know that she was there in spirit, but I'm selfish. Aren't we all?

She is my sunshine.....

Obviously from the previous post my beautiful little girl turned THREE. How does this happen? How does three years go by so very quickly. Obviously it is something that we all deal with, but once you have a child it becomes even more insane. I just want time to slow down. I still see my baby and in fact she is now a big girl. And trust me, she will tell you that too. She truly sees herself as being a big girl with one exception. HER PACI!!! We have told her for six months that the paci, which she only uses at night and naps for the past year, goes away when she turns three. She has acknowledged that she knows what we've been saying and agreed with it. Until nap time yesterday. She cried for a while and I mean a loud, wailing cry. I told her that the Paci fairy came and took hers to give to babies who's parents can't afford them. She told me that she needed hers back and that she would go buy new ones for the babies. I held my ground though and won. So far. She went to bed fairly easy last night. She looked over at the night stand and then said, "oh yeah, I turned three so no more paci". And that was that. Oh how I love my "baby".

Happy Birthday my Sweet Baby Girl!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never Too Old....

to want my mommy. I turn 35 next Tuesday and all I want is too see my mom healthy and vibrant again. I know that I have vented on here before, but I just feel cheated. I never got to have that last big conversation with her before we knew she was sick. We had a few very serious conversations after she got sick, but the brain tumor had already taken so much of her that it wasn't the same. For you see in five months (including the month before the tumor was found), we got to experience what in Alzheimer's/dementia takes years. She wasn't the same person anymore. I still struggle even 10 months since her death. Maybe I finally need to cave and get on some anti-depressants. I just want to be able to complain about her or to be able to pick up the phone and call her first thing in the morning to tell her about my dream. So please if your mom is still alive, do it now. Tell her everything you think you would want to say if it was her/your last day on earth. Because I know all too well that it very well may be.

WW - More of my hubby's beautiful photos in his parent's yard