One year

I know that I have been neglecting my blog lately, but I just haven't felt up to posting. Not a lot has happened, but I just needed a break and I still do, but I wanted to post about my one year without my mom. 11/17/11 I held my mother's hand as she drifted out of this world. One year ago, I held the hand who had always held mine and gave her permission to go. I promised her that we would be OK. I'm not so ssure that I kept that promise, but we have tried. I have days that I still want to curl into a ball and not get out of bed. I give myself permission to have those days and then I try to get back up as soon as I feel up to it. I have had one full year of firsts without her here. AN ENTIRE YEAR!!! I had intended to release balloons on Saturday, but that didn't happen. What did happen is that I spent some time with my dad and grandmother and then had Celia's 3 year and Christmas pics done. I think it was a good idea to schedule those for that day because I had something else to focus on. I cried a lot, but I'm just beginning to think that it is a normal reaction most of the time. My poor, beutiful daughter is so very sweet when she sees us sad. She starts to sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star so that we don't cry. She is amazing. It still just absolutely amazes me that she understands why I'm sad. She went with me to my parents on Saturday and I teared up a little as we pulled in the driveway and so she said to me: "mommy, are you sad because your mommy died". How does a 3yo understand sadness? She told John last night that she was having to sing to me a lot because I had been sad all of the time. I try really hard to not lose it in front of her, but this weekend I just couldn't control my sadness. I will love and miss my mom always. I think I have decided on my tattoos. Here they are:

I want the one above on the R. It is the symbol of a mother and daughter which could stand for me and my mom and me and my daughter. The other one I am considering is a cancer ribbon on my foot with her handwriting around it. While some might not agree or approve it is my way of always having a piece of her with me. I hope that I can find some way of pulling myself out of hte funk that I have been in.