Monday, October 24, 2011

D Day

We go back to Duke this afternoon to find out whether treatment worked or not. Please pray for all of us today. Pray that God has healed her. Pray that if that hasn't happened, that He will give us the strength and grace that we need to help her get through this. And through this, I mean either more treatments or help us let her die with the grace and dignity that we all deserve.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Seeking peace

My mom was admitted to the hospital yesterday. She needed some blood transfusions and antibiotics for an infection. She was more awake and her eyes were open more last night than I have seen them in a few weeks. Right now the plan is to keep her in for 2-3 days and then Hospice is going to come to the house. I still believe that God can heal her, but right now I am just asking you guys to pray for peace for all of us. It is unimagineable that I am going to bury my mom in my mid-thirties, but it is my reality. Please pray that I have the strength and grace to help her get through this.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day that I understand all too well. This year I was supposed to be 7 or 8 months pregnant and instead I have suffered my third pregnancy loss.

My first miscarriage was in May 2001, my second was in Sept 2011 and my third was in May 2011. I have been pregnant four times and I have only one living child. She is my heart and soul.

I have a long hx of pregnancy loss and infant deaths in my family. My mother was the only surviving child of my grandmother. She was born three months premature and survived. Can you believe that she survived 63 years ago at 25 weeks gestation. My grandmother went on to have quite a few more miscarriages and a still-born son a few years later.

My mom lost her first baby at 17 weeks. She never had another miscarriage. I honestly didn't think I would have any problems having babies. I was 23 when I lost my first and I was 33 when I lost my last. I put my faith in God that I will be able to have another baby. It isn't in my hands. I pray for all of you out there that have suffered any form of pregnancy or infant loss. I pray for all of you out there who suffer with infertility. I know that no matter what, I will be OK. It's hard to remember that at all times though

Friday, October 14, 2011

Heart Breaking

My heart is breaking once again. I think that I do fairly well most of the time holding it together, but we all reach our breaking point. I called Hospice today to find out what we need to do to get my mom in their system. Once again, I CALLED HOSPICE. for my DYING mother. I want to go to sleep and wake up 6 months ago. 6 months ago I was pregnant, my mom was fine and my 14yo cat was still here.

Here we are, no baby or pregnancy, Little Bit is dead and I called Hospice for my dying mother. I know that I will get through this, I just hope I will come out of it in one piece. Because my heart has shattered into a thousand pieces.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Last treatment DONE!!!

My mom had her last radiation treatment today. YAY!!! Praise God!!! I am asking for a few specific prayers.

Pray that:
My mom gets her appetite back
She gets her strength back
She gets energy
She'll be able to walk again in a few weeks.
The treatment worked as well as possible.
That if it didn't work, please give us the strength and grace we need to help her go
For her to be as pain free as possible


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

WW - Oh well

I was going to post some old pics, but seem to be having a really hard time with Blogger tonight. So instead I'll try to post some of my scripture/quotes I've pinned recently:

Saturday, October 1, 2011


I am struggling and I have been this entire year. I know I said a month or so ago that I was done with whining, but I don't think I am. I have been struggling with SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many things. I never did get a chance to really grieve over losing a baby before my mom got sick. John and I went out the weekend before my mom was diagnosed to celebrate our 12th anniversary. 12th!!!! That was the first real date we had after I had my miscarriage. We were supposed to have a good date in May, but then I had to put my precious kitty cat to sleep the day before so all we did on that date was eat, shop at Roses and the Dollar Tree and sit at home and cry.

I feel like I need to do something before I truly lose my mind, but I can't. I can't take an entire weekend to get away because I don't know what is going to happen with my mom from day to day so I can't be more than an hour away. I couldn't forgive myself if I couldn't be there if God forbid something happens.

My mom has three more radiation treatments and then she has a three week break. My brother will do her MRI (he's an MRI tech) and we go back to Duke for the results on 10/24. I'll try to get pics of her this week. It is absolutely heartbreaking watching the toll it is taking on her (and the rest of us). My mom went from fully functioning four months ago to wheelchair bound and using a potty chair beside the bed. I have to roll her over in bed and move her legs because she doesn't have the energy or the strength to do it herself. I went from calling my mom a few months ago to get her opinion before doing something to just praying that she is awake so that I can see her at all. Working an hour away, by the time I get home most days she is already in bed asleep. I talked to her yesterday afternoon and asked her if she would be up late and her response was "I'm going to wait until 5pm". So I waited until this morning to go.

Just please PRAY!!!!!!!!!! I am begging you to pray and please forward to prayers lists. We all need them right now.