Monday, May 30, 2011

Happy Memorial Day!!!

Thanks to all of you service men and women who have risked their lives fighting for our freedom. Lets take a moment today to reflect on our freedom. And remember to thank God every single day.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Good days and bad....

This has been a sad weekend. It has been good, but I have been sad. Most days, I am OK, but for some reason not the past few.

I finally went back to church. I have been looking forward to it, but dreading too. Its not that I didn't want to go back, but I am always so much more emotional at church. I have a wonderful church family at Rehoboth United Methodist Church and I love them all. They are very supportive to everyone who steps in the door. Some months we have one Sunday that we have just a musical service and that was today.

I did really well until the pastor's wife (who has an absolutely beautiful voice) sang. Josh, the pastor, accompanied her at the piano and it was beautiful. They re-started after determining the microphone wasn't on and when they started again, I lost it. It is moments like that when the emotion that I usually keep private comes pouring out.

Because I know when I enter the gates of heaven, I will have three little blessings waiting for me. I have one here on earth that makes me breathe every day, but there are three more up there. And for that, I am ready. Those of you who walk w/ me in this loss, know what I mean. I long for that day when I am reunited. It doesn't make miscarriage and loss any easier, but as a Christian I at least know that I will be reunited. And I thank God every day that I know this.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

RIP My Sweet Baby Boy

How do I start? It is with horrible sadness that I have to say that I had to euthanize my 14.5 yo precious kitty cat. He had a cancerous mass removed last year. I was told that it was a rare form of cancer that might reoccur, but wouldn't metastasize. However, this time they were wrong. He was still playing hard a month ago, but around that time, he stopped coming to us when we would call him to eat. He has had diabetes for a few years now so we separate our kitties to eat. Finally a few days ago he stopped eating at all even when we did go pick him up. It took us 20 minutes to find him Thursday night and I was afraid that when I did find him, he would be dead. I finally found him in our shower. He was alive, but you could visibly tell that he was very, very sick. I called the vet to try to get him in this morning (Sat), but they only had an appt at 4pm yesterday. John went with me as he knew this was going to be so hard for me. They did blood work and his white cell count was sky high, bu this temp was low. That all pointed to the fact that the cancer had spread to his bones. I had the option of giving him fluids and pain meds and bringing him home for the weekend, but I just felt that I would be doing it for myself and not for him. So I had to make the agonizing decision to put him to sleep. I didn't know if I was strong enough, but I was with him until the very end. I do take comfort in the fact that the last thing he saw/felt was me stroking and kissing his head and telling him how much I loved him and what a good boy he was. He purred until his last breath. I know that not all of you have the same feelings about your pets, but he was a family member. I loved him more than anything. He saw me through some of the worst days of my life. Even just a few weeks ago, he got on the bed for one last time to comfort me while I was crying/grieving over the loss of this last baby. I remembered yesterday that it was the last time he got on any furniture. And he did it for me. I will always love you, Little Bit.

Here he was a few weeks ago. The last really good pic I have of him.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

New Week, New Plans

Since losing the baby that wasn't planned, I wonder if my weight contributed to it. I have said a million times that I am going to start losing weight. This time I need to do it for myself and for my future children. I don't necessarily want to be skinny, but I do want to be healthy. So that is my goal for the next six months. I am going to eat carefully and exercise as much as possible. That isn't an easy task due to my hip disorder, but I am going to try. Here we go....... Give any advice that has worked for you!!!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Back to the Grind, hopefully

I am headed back to work today. Physically, I'm doing much better other than the exhaustion. I am trying to remember what I felt like physically when this happened 10 years ago. Those of you who have gone through what I have, please help refresh my memory. Now I just hope that I feel better emotionally soon. It takes time, but I am already feeling so much better now. John and I have been through sooooooo much in the almost 12 years of marriage and it has only made us stronger. Therefore I know that we will make it through this. I will make it through. Pray that I get my energy back soon.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

While this isn't the Mother's Day I had hoped for, I still thank God every day for my mother and grandmother. I also thank God for my baby girl. They keep me sane and thankful for every day. I've posted these before, but here they go again.

Happy Mother's Day to three of the most important women in my life!!! I Love You!!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Am I alone???

I wonder if I am the only person who wonders what in the heck goes through someone's mind before they speak to you about your miscarriage. It hasn't been that bad this time, mainly because I didn't tell too many people, but the last time it was horrible.
I did have a bad experience this morning though in her defense I know she didn't mean it, but it didn't make me feel much better about it though.

I had to get some blood work Wed to make sure my hormone levels had gone back down to completely normal or if I would need meds or a D&C. The conversation w/ the nurse this morning went like this:

Her: Hi, Joy?? This is Dr S's nurse. We have your results in.
Me: OK, what are they.
Her: Your HCG level is completely normal at 0.
Me: OK, thanks. (what is the right response to that?)
Her: You are very welcome. You have a fabulous day and a wonderful Mother's Day.

Really??? Sorry you lost your baby, but enjoy your weekend. ??????????????

Thursday, May 5, 2011

An awesome giveaway

Please check out the following link. She has an awesome giveaway in the works.

I don't know how to feel right now

Like I said before, I had two miscarriages 10 years ago. Those miscarriages almost broke me emotionally. This time I don't know what to feel. I am sad, but more so than that, I feel empty. Physically I feel tired and am still suffering the physical aspects of the miscarriages. I am cramping horribly and exhausted, but I haven't shed a tear. Is there something wrong with me?? I am sad, I am hurt, but I am at a loss as to what to feel. I still feel thankful that I have a beautiful, healthy little girl. She and her daddy keep me going. How can you not feel just a little bit better when this is what you see???

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

hello and goodbye in a little over a week

Last Saturday night (4/23) I found out I was pregnant. Three positive tests at home and two at the dr office Monday were all positive. This was a complete and utter shock. I was on BC and we weren't trying at all. I didn't have a good feeling about this because my boobs are ALWAYS killing me during pregnancy. BADLY!!! This time, not at all. I was exhausted and queazy, but I had a horrible URI so that could have been attributed to that. I spotted for a little while one day last week, but had no cramping. Unfortunately it came back Sunday, but this time w/ pain. I had my DH take me to the ER Monday morning. By this time, I knew what was happening. I had two miscarriage 10 years ago. I am at such a different place emotionally than I was then. I almost had an emotional breakdown the last time I went through this. I think part of it is the fact that I have a 19mo to take care of. I can't fall apart during this. She keeps me going.

I have been pregnant four times and I have one child. I wonder some times whether this is my destiny. You want to know the most ironic thing about the whole thing? 9/11/01, which happened to be my 24th birthday and I was at home having a miscarriage while watching the terror attacks. This time 5/1, while Osama Bin Laden was being killed, I was at home having a miscarriage. Oh the irony.....

Please keep me in your t&ps. I am still dealing w/ the physical CRAP that goes along w/ a miscarriage.

Monday, May 2, 2011

What is the right age difference???

What do you think is the right age gap between siblings??? We have been talking about it, but I don't think either of us know. There are seven years between me and my brother. I love my brother, but we haven't had too much in common ever. We weren't close growing up and we aren't all that close now. We get along fine, we just don't hang out. There is four years between John and his brother. They are very close. I still get somewhat jealous of their relationship. I want that for my children. So, the question for you guys is what worked best in your families.

OK!! You can't laugh. This is the only pic of my brother and me that I have scanned anyway. It is quite OLD!!!!! lol!!!

John and his brother are on the left.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Lazy Weekend

Well I intended on getting some spring cleaning done this weekend. Oh well, I failed. Nothing happened other than me resting/laying down w/ Cecelia. John has been busy, but unfortunately he has been by himself. I can't seem to shake the CRUD we had this week. But you know what.....everything is OK. I can't think of a better way to spend the weekend other than hanging w/ my girl. I know these days will be over very soon. How can you complain about spending time w/ this face.....