Thursday, December 29, 2011

Due Date

Beautiful Baby,

Today was your due date. I should be complaining of swollen feet or how heavy you are in my belly. Instead, I am thinking of what might have been. Instead of being giddy about your pending arrival, I will watch the clock today because at 10:40 AM your grandma has been holding you for six weeks in heaven. I am writing this through tears streaming down my face at work, but still somehow I manage to smile thinking about this. I will be sad today and that is OK, but I do smile at the thought of seeing grandma holding her baby up there and you and your siblings because I know that's where you are. I am so very grateful that I beleive in Him because I don't know how I would get through it without that Belief. So while I am sad and you will see tears, there is also hope. It's hard to remember that most of the time, but I promise I will try harder.

Mommy loves you with everything I have (lol.... to those of you who know why that is funny)

Wish you were here..............

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I'm still here

Thanks for all of the well wishes during this Christmas season. Christmas was very hard and different this year. Obviously, I was planning on it being hard, but not as hard as it was. I ended up being REALLY sick this year. My fever started Friday night around 11pm and lasted until Monday morning. I didn't leave my house at all during the Christmas weekend, which means that I missed both celebrations with my family and my wonderful in-laws. I did get out of bed long enough to watch Celia open her gifts and see what Santa brought. I promise pictures will be posted later. My dad brought me my Christmas gift Sunday morning when he dropped by to see what DD got. He had my mom's diamond re-set into a necklace and gave it to me along with her earrings. I held it together pretty well that morning, but lost it and cried all afternoon after John left with Celia. So a lot of tears have fallen, but that is to be expected.

My heart breaks for one of our Bible Study comrade's. His mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the month after my mom was diagnosed w/ brain cancer. She had a massive stroke Monday morning and passed away. It is so very sad. My only hope for him is that he was able to enjoy a nice Christmas with her before it happened. Prayers are being sent your way Pete!!! Not a boat anyone wants to join us in.

Friday, December 9, 2011


Years ago I told John (DH) that when we had children I wanted it to be just the two of us in the delivery room. Then we put kids off for a while after 2 miscarriage in the early years. During that time, my brother and SIL had 2 kids. My mom was in there with them during her labors.

She started talking about her being there with me then. I was still very against it until I was actually pregnant with Celia (DD). I now know that God was talking to me then. I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am that Mama was in the room when Celia was born. I just truly never imagined that it would be my only birth she was alive for.

I know I have said it so many times, but please remember to tell everyone you love how much you love then every single chance you get. Because you truly don't know if it will be the last time you get the chance. Your live can compltely turn upside down at any given second and you don't always get the chance to talk to your loved one. So I am glad that I got to tell Mama how much I loved her and to pray with her.

I truly do believe that I will see my mom one day. And that she isn't sad and grieving now for that is for all of us earthly beings to do. She is happy, healthy, waiting for us to join her. She is catching up with all of her loved ones who left too early for her.

My FIL sang a beautiful song at Mama's memorial service and I believe it is so very true. Here are the lyrics to the perfect song

'Look for Me'

When you finally make your entrance to that city
Of jasper walls and bright golden avenue;
As you behold all its beauty and its splendor,
Remember there's just one request I make of you.

Look for me for I will be here, too
I realize when you arrive, there will be so much to view;
After you've been there ten thousand years, a million, maybe two,
Look for me for I will be there, too.

As you go down your list of firsts, there's no question,
You'll want to see our loved ones waiting there for you;
And when you feel you've shared your story with the last one
That wants you hear you tell just how you made it through,

Looke for me and I will be there too
I realized when you arrive there will be so much to view
After you've ben there ten thousand years, a million, maybe two,
Look for me for I'll be there too

Look for me I will be there too
I will be there too

Obviously, that doesn't make us any less sad or take our grief away, but I do rejoice in that she isn't. I love and miss you every single breath!!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

One final Thank you post

Since my willingness to post Thank you's for the Month of November shot out the window when my mom died Nov 17, I figured I would sum it up now. Today and always, I am thankful for the 34 years I had with my mom. I am also so very thankful that I have had my grandmother (Ma) in my everyday life almost my entire life. My parents have lived with Ma since I was 2, so in essence I had three parents. I thought my daughter would have a similar experience. Not that I ever intended for us to live together, but it truly just didn't enter my mind that Celia wouldn't know my mom.

So, I am going to thank God for each and every single day I still get with Ma. My heart breaks for her. I watch her struggle each and every single day over the death of her only child and it kills me. I want her to know that I will be there each and every time she needs me. All she has to do is ask. I can't imagine how she feels. Can you imagine the closeness of living together 54 out of 63 years? I certainly hope that I will know what that feels like, but never in my life would I want to have to watch my daughter die. Watching her grieve has honestly probably been harder than going through the emotions myself. My mom retired in 12/08 so they have truly been together 24/7 for three years. And now Mama is gone and both my brother and I have gone back to work. I imagine that this has been harder because it goes back to a new normal.

Not quite sure that I have made any sense here, but I am so very thankful to have Ma still in my life and I am not going to take a single second for granted. Love you Ma!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

sorry for the blog break

I just haven't been in the mood to blog lately. I think of something to post about and if it isn't done that very second I forget it. Please forgive my silence lately. I just can't quite get it together since my mom died.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Giveaway winner

I had a few people enter through email and a few through FB, but my winner is: Maria. Email me and I'll get your code to you as quickly as possible. I know you will definitely use this program with all of your pictures. Thanks to all who entered

Does this get better

Just when I think that I am over the hump of utter despair, days like today happens. I went back to work yesterday and made it through the day relatively OK. Today, I have broken down twice at my desk so far. I just never imagined my life without my mom in it. I love you Mama! I miss you more than anything.