Tuesday, August 23, 2011

One treatment down, thirty seven to go

Yesterday was my mom's first treatment. I took off work to go with my dad and it is a good thing. I love my dad with all of my heart and soul, but he doesn't handle stress very well. Of course since it was the first day of treatment, things were not going to go smoothly. We did her blood work first and then went straight over to get the radiation. It didn't take long and we left to go home an hour after her appt time.

We got her out of the car and up the steps at my parent's when my grandmother came running out saying that my brother (who works at the hospital) had called and we needed to come back for the Avastin IV. This was initially supposed to start a few weeks after the radiation, but since the radiation was postponed earlier, they wanted to go ahead and get that started. Daddy didn't even remember them telling us that she would get the Avastin.

He got so upset. I literally made him leave after we got back. I don't mean to make him sound worse, but yells when he is emotional about things. I really do love him and my DH will tell you that I am just like him. We don't have the same opinion on things, but we will both argue our points until we are blue in the face. But today wasn't the time for it. My mom didn't need to have to worry about Daddy losing it. He has been amazing with her since this began. I truly can't imagine what he is feeling watching her go through this. I know my world would be rocked if it were my spouse.

Here is a beautiful song that has made me cry every time I listen to it. This sums up how I feel and how I imagine Daddy is feeling:


Monday, August 22, 2011

One More Month

I am completely blown away that my baby girl will be 2 in one month. She is at such a fun age, but I still miss my baby. It seems like yesterday that I had this beauty:

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

My DD cracks me up

This past weekend my almost 2 year old cracked me up more than once. She woke up from her nap Sunday afternoon, came running into the living room screaming 'I'm finished sleeping'. She jumped into her swing (which we brought downstairs because it has been a consistent 100 degrees outside for over a month) and started swinging. All of a sudden, she hopped off and jumped on her little tykes John Deer tractor and screamed, my green tractor. I finally realized that we had the TV on Country TV and 'My Big Green Tractor' by Jason Aldean was on. Ha!!!

Another time she was trying to put on some Dora flip flips that my MIL bought her earlier this summer. They were tight so I told her that they were too small. She took one off, held it up against her foot (a sign that she watches and pays attention to everything we do) and said: 'Too Small, no more, Bye Bye'. She took the other shoe off, walked down the hall with her head down and put it in her show basket in her room. She sat down and said 'Bye bye, Dora flip flops, too small.' Picked up her Dora tennis shoes and said 'Mommy, these Dora shoes OK' and proceeded to put them on and run out of the room.

Isn't it amazing how much these little bitties can take over your whole life. They are truly an amazing gift from God. Of course there are some days when I feel completely overwhelmed and like it is sometimes too much, but then I quickly remember that she is my only living child so far and that I am so lucky to get to be her mommy. And then I take time to really thank Him for this prescious little one. I do thank Him that I have her here and that she is healthy. I still cry over the fact that she might be my only one, but she is amazing.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Going to get it out of my system and be positive for the rest of 2011

Am I the only person ready for 2011 to be over? I can't imagine that it is only me. I am going to complain today and 'try' to be positive for the remainder. In the past four months I have lost a baby, had to put my dear sweet kitty to sleep, my mom was diagnosed w/ a terminal brain tumor, our air conditioner/heat pump died on us and wait for it.......on top of all that our lap top died with all of our pics on it. It is at the shop now to hopefully at least get our pictures out and maybe to fix it.

So I'm definitely not going to say "what else could happen?" because I did that a week and a half ago and then the laptop died....HA!! So I will say that I am thrilled to have survived this year so far and still be sane and in one piece. Although, my husband might tell you that I am so far from sane....don't believe him. This year has sucked so far. I am now going to put my big girl pants on and face the rest of the year with a smile on my face. Just help remind me of that......... Happy Monday People!!!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Back to church

I am going to try to make it back to church today. I have only been to Sunday School once since my mom got sick. There are a lot of reasons, none of them really good. I am just so completely overly emotional right now and will cry at the drop of a hat. Not that it is unexpected or a bad thing, but it is something I am struggling with right now. I have prayed at least 10-20 times every single day and intend to do so every day. Just pray for me and my entire family. Pray Hard!!!!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Weekend plans

We are celebrating my SIL's birthday with breakfast on Saturday. Happy Birthday Melanie!!!

Then I am headed over to my parent's to spend some time w/ my mom. I am going to head up to her attic that day and raid her wreath stack. I have been in a crafty mood lately. I started a balloon wreath for Celia a few weeks ago and I need to finish it. I also want to do some of the yarn wreaths, but need to get some straw wreath forms. My mom has some grapevine wreaths and I am sure I can do something with some of them w/o losing my entire pay-check. (I promise John, I'll try) LOL!!! Here a few wreaths I am dying to try:

we'll see if any of them come to fruition.

Friday, August 12, 2011


If you guys were me, would you do a huge birthday party for my daughter this year or would you do something very simple? My mom will be in the middle of her radiation treatments. I am torn. I feel like I do need to do something big, but then again I don't want my mom to feel that I am doing something big because I think she is dying. Just give me your opinions. Thanks guys!!!


I still think that I am doing much better than I ever thought I would if faced with something of this magnitude, but I still continue to have my moments of absolutely losing my mind. I still can't believe this is happening to me and my family. I read medical records all day long so I have seen this and I have friends who have lost either their own or parents to cancer, but I just never thought it would be me.

Those of you friends in real life, know that my parents have lived with my grandmother (Ma) since I was two. So in essence, I always had two moms. Until I got married, I spent every day with Ma. And then she was diagnosed w/ Melanoma last year. In the beginning, it was horrible. We all thought she was going to die pretty soon, but then she stabilized and has been doing much better.

It never entered her mind that she would ever outlive her daughter. It never entered my mind that I might bury my mom in my 30s. I can't fathom that my daughter might not have many memories of my mom. I named Cecelia after my mom and my MIL. It is unfathomable to me that she might not have any of her own memories.

Ha - I just re-read the above paragraph and saw that I basically just repeated myself. That has been me for the past few weeks. I feel like I have the tumor instead of her. I'm sure it is normal. Please bear with me over the next few months. I have a feeling that I will be rambling a lot.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

long overdue update

Sorry, I haven't posted in a while. I needed a break to wrap my head around what is happening. We had the follow-up appt 7/29. She is going to do radiation and a chemo pill for 6 weeks along w/ Avastin and then take 3 weeks off. On the last week of the break she gets an MRI to see how she has responded. We then have another follow-up appt at Duke. If she is responding well, she will do the chemo pill 5 days out of 30 with Avastin injections once a month for a year with MRIs every other month. If at that point she is stable, she will then do Avastin once a month for an unknown period of time. If she responds to treatment, the dr said she might have 2-4 years. If she chose not to treat, she only has 1-3 months. Needless to say, she is going to try treatment. The dr also said that if at any point during the treatment, my mom didn't feel like she can handle it or if the rest of us see that her quality of life isn't good, we can stop and they would make her as comfortable as possible during the time she has left.

She was fitted for her radiation mask today. The drs also re-started her steroids when we were back. Before starting those again, she didn't look good. She was exhausted and not that mobile. I have noticed a HUGE difference. She is using a walker to move around the house, but she is moving. She has called me a few times on her own just to talk and she sounds alot more like Mama. I am going to
thank God every day for the days we have left. It is hard to do some days, but I know that He is truly in control, not us. If he chooses to do so, then she will be healed and if not, I pray she has comfort in the knowledge that she will be with the true Father afterwards.

I ask that you continue to pray. Pray HARD!!!!