Thursday, December 13, 2012

Here we go again.......

I feel like my life is a never ending sea of CRAP. I don't mean it literally because I do a lot to be thankful for. I have a fabulous husband and a gorgeous, kind, sweet little girl who have both been sick with the FLU this week. Or as Celia says, "flute". But alas that isn't what has me feeling this way although it certainly makes it a lot worse. My grandmother, who is like another mother to me had a massive stroke last Thursday. We brought her home on hospice on Monday. So, once again, my childhood bedroom has been turned into a room for the most important women in my life to die in. I am thankful that we at least get to give them some comfort in their last days. I am thankful that we get to do something (no matter how small) for them since they have done so much in our lives. We moved in with Ma when I was 2 so I literally had two moms. How lucky am I? My grandmother has been the one constant in my life. When I was battling with one or both of my parents, she didn't. She loved me like I was her own. Last year when my mom died, someone actually asked Ma how she felt since she was losing her only child and would be alone. She answered them that she wasn't alone and that she didn't feel like Mama was her only child, but that she still had three kids left (my brother, dad and me). In the past 13 months, my mom died, her dad died and now my grandmother. How much more?????

Monday, November 19, 2012

One year

I know that I have been neglecting my blog lately, but I just haven't felt up to posting. Not a lot has happened, but I just needed a break and I still do, but I wanted to post about my one year without my mom. 11/17/11 I held my mother's hand as she drifted out of this world. One year ago, I held the hand who had always held mine and gave her permission to go. I promised her that we would be OK. I'm not so ssure that I kept that promise, but we have tried. I have days that I still want to curl into a ball and not get out of bed. I give myself permission to have those days and then I try to get back up as soon as I feel up to it. I have had one full year of firsts without her here. AN ENTIRE YEAR!!! I had intended to release balloons on Saturday, but that didn't happen. What did happen is that I spent some time with my dad and grandmother and then had Celia's 3 year and Christmas pics done. I think it was a good idea to schedule those for that day because I had something else to focus on. I cried a lot, but I'm just beginning to think that it is a normal reaction most of the time. My poor, beutiful daughter is so very sweet when she sees us sad. She starts to sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star so that we don't cry. She is amazing. It still just absolutely amazes me that she understands why I'm sad. She went with me to my parents on Saturday and I teared up a little as we pulled in the driveway and so she said to me: "mommy, are you sad because your mommy died". How does a 3yo understand sadness? She told John last night that she was having to sing to me a lot because I had been sad all of the time. I try really hard to not lose it in front of her, but this weekend I just couldn't control my sadness. I will love and miss my mom always. I think I have decided on my tattoos. Here they are:
I want the one above on the R. It is the symbol of a mother and daughter which could stand for me and my mom and me and my daughter. The other one I am considering is a cancer ribbon on my foot with her handwriting around it. While some might not agree or approve it is my way of always having a piece of her with me. I hope that I can find some way of pulling myself out of hte funk that I have been in.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Holidays are HARD

I truly do enjoy every single holiday/special day now, but they are still hard. Saturday was still sad no matter what. I teared up a few times that day becauase my mom should be there. She should be there to see her granddaughter's birthday party. I cried because not only was she not there this year, but she also missed it last. The last time my mom left the house for anything other than treatment or dr appts was for my birthday last year. I am truly grateful that she was there last, but it also hurts that she wasn't able to get around at all then. I know that she was there in spirit, but I'm selfish. Aren't we all?

Sunday, September 23, 2012

She is my sunshine.....

Obviously from the previous post my beautiful little girl turned THREE. How does this happen? How does three years go by so very quickly. Obviously it is something that we all deal with, but once you have a child it becomes even more insane. I just want time to slow down. I still see my baby and in fact she is now a big girl. And trust me, she will tell you that too. She truly sees herself as being a big girl with one exception. HER PACI!!! We have told her for six months that the paci, which she only uses at night and naps for the past year, goes away when she turns three. She has acknowledged that she knows what we've been saying and agreed with it. Until nap time yesterday. She cried for a while and I mean a loud, wailing cry. I told her that the Paci fairy came and took hers to give to babies who's parents can't afford them. She told me that she needed hers back and that she would go buy new ones for the babies. I held my ground though and won. So far. She went to bed fairly easy last night. She looked over at the night stand and then said, "oh yeah, I turned three so no more paci". And that was that. Oh how I love my "baby".