Broken

I don't even know how to explain how I have felt in the past two months. Broken is the best word I can think of. I had finally gotten to a point emotionally after my mom died, that I thought I was going to be OK and then Ma got sick. And then she died. She DIED. We brought her home from the hospital to let her die in her own home surrounded by who loved her most. It was the least we could do for a woman who lived her life serving us. She was so much more than a grandmother. She was a caregiver, a friend, a comedian, a confidante and another mother. I do know how lucky I am in the fact that I not only had one mother, but two. Celia reminds me of that constantly. If she sees any picture with either Mama or Ma in it, she always says "look, both your mommies!"

I feel completely numb now. I am 35 and I am now the matriarch of my family. Really??? THIRTY FIVE people. I know that I will get through this because I have done it before and I don't have any other choice, but I truly don't know how.

I will forever be grateful that I got to spend three months with my grandmother this past summer. For those who don't know, I had a hip replacement in June and my grandmother moved in with me to take care of me while I was recovering. I wouldn't take anything for this time. We didn't talk all day everyday, but I did get quality time with Ma and so did my daughter. We kept Celia home with us two days a week and for that, I will be eternally grateful. Celia was only 2 when my mom died and I don't think she has any true memories of her, but she will have snippets of my grandmother.