Monday, November 21, 2011

How did this happen????

Mama's kidneys slowly started failing last weekend. My Dad called us all to come over Tuesday night. The hospice social worker came by that day and talked about the kidneys shutting down and told us to expect her to die within the next 2.5 weeks. She wasn't really responding to us very much that day. She did open her eyes and mouthed "I Love You too" and for that I will be eternally grateful for that.

Wednesday, I went to work as usual, but told my supervisor that I was really unsure of when it would happen. John and I went over after work on Wednesday and I realized that things had gotten drastically worse. We called the hospice nurse that night and I sent Celia home with John. Ma (my grandmother) was really upset (obviously understandable) and I didn't want Celia to get scared or confused. My brother came back over and we both spent the night. The last night of my mom's life my dad, grandmother, brother and I all slept under the same roof. We all got up a few times during the night, but she was still breathing.

My Dad, brother and I went to the funeral home Thursday morning to get things settled so that when she did die we wouldn't have to do a whole lot. We walked back in the house at 10:15 and my brother took Ma to a dentist appt. One of Daddy's good friends was there. He got up to leave around 10:35-ish and my SIL, Cindy, and I were in the room with Mama when her breathing started changing. Cindy (a nurse) noticed how bad it was getting and said that it wouldn't be long and ran to get my dad (who was outside with his friend). Her eyes opened a little bit, I kissed her cheek, told her how much I love her, and that Ma would be fine. I said that it would be hard, but that I promised her that we would take care of Ma and get her through this. She closed her eyes, let out one last gasp of air and that was it. Her dog, Rhine, was laying beside Mama's pillow when she died so she was surrounded with love. I can honestly say that I would never have imagined holding my mom while she died, but I wouldn't change a thing.

I honestly think that she waited for Ma to leave. I think she knew how hard it was going to be for Ma and didn't want her to be there. Mama was Ma's only living child (she had a stillborn son a few years after my mom and numerous miscarriages). They have lived together since I was 2. So out of the 63 years my mother was alive they only lived in separate households for maybe 8 or 9. Can you imagine? I can only hope and pray that I have as close of a relationship with Celia, but still I can't imagine what it would be like. I have tried picturing myself in Ma's shoes and I can't. I hope and pray that I never have to.


  1. joy, you've been in my thoughts so often and i've been praying for you and your family. i have tears. what a beautiful thing to be able to hold onto your mother and be the last person she sees before heaven. i can't begin to understand the pain you're going through. and i pray peace finds you and your family <3
    love and huge hugs!
    maria <3

  2. thinking of you much, joy!
    sending over love and hugs <3
    and many, many prayers!!

  3. i'm so sorry to hear of your loss. my prayers are with you.