Insecurity

I have never had a great self-image. I don't know where it came from. It hasn't gotten better since becoming an adult and getting really sick a few years ago. In a matter of three months I went from 140 to somewhere around 220 maybe??? (I can't believe that I am actually writing that number down). I was on steroids and all sorts of other meds for my horrible migraines. Eventually I was able to lose most of the weight and then I got pregnant. I gained WAY too much weight when I was pregnant because I was so sick again. You would think that I wouldn't have gained much since I was sick, but the only foods that I could eat were the absolute worst possible. My beautiful DD was worth every single pound and all of the sickness. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to lose most of the baby weight. A lot of it can be blamed on my inability to be that active (due to my dead and dying hips), but I have to own the fact that my diet hasn't been the greatest.

Also I went through the absolute worst year of my life last year. When my mom was sick and battling cancer last year, I didn't have time to cook and fast food was the bulk of my diet for four months. And then she died, and I turned to comfort food. It didn't help that she died the week before Thanksgiving so the holidays are always hard for me (to watch what I eat) and this year was that much harder. I literally was like, well, my mom died so I need to eat this. This has got to stop. I don't feel attractive at all. I don't know what my husband sees in me. He still tells me that he finds me pretty, but I can't really convince myself if he's telling me the truth or if he just says it because that is what a husband is supposed to say.

One of the newer bloggers I read is Lauren's. She is stunning. Absolutely gorgeous. The above link is one of my favorite posts of hers. I probably was the mean girl when I was young and it all goes back to insecurity. Please check her blog out. She is one of my role models now. I have got to get healthy for me. I need to do this for me to get to the point that I can believe that my husband actually does find me attractive. I need to do this to be a great role-model for my DD. She needs this. My mom felt the same way about herself that I have and maybe it can all be traced back to that, but I want to end this cycle. I want my daughter to be healthy and I want her to feel beautiful in any shape or size.