Saturday, March 3, 2012


I have never had a great self-image. I don't know where it came from. It hasn't gotten better since becoming an adult and getting really sick a few years ago. In a matter of three months I went from 140 to somewhere around 220 maybe??? (I can't believe that I am actually writing that number down). I was on steroids and all sorts of other meds for my horrible migraines. Eventually I was able to lose most of the weight and then I got pregnant. I gained WAY too much weight when I was pregnant because I was so sick again. You would think that I wouldn't have gained much since I was sick, but the only foods that I could eat were the absolute worst possible. My beautiful DD was worth every single pound and all of the sickness. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to lose most of the baby weight. A lot of it can be blamed on my inability to be that active (due to my dead and dying hips), but I have to own the fact that my diet hasn't been the greatest.

Also I went through the absolute worst year of my life last year. When my mom was sick and battling cancer last year, I didn't have time to cook and fast food was the bulk of my diet for four months. And then she died, and I turned to comfort food. It didn't help that she died the week before Thanksgiving so the holidays are always hard for me (to watch what I eat) and this year was that much harder. I literally was like, well, my mom died so I need to eat this. This has got to stop. I don't feel attractive at all. I don't know what my husband sees in me. He still tells me that he finds me pretty, but I can't really convince myself if he's telling me the truth or if he just says it because that is what a husband is supposed to say.

One of the newer bloggers I read is Lauren's. She is stunning. Absolutely gorgeous. The above link is one of my favorite posts of hers. I probably was the mean girl when I was young and it all goes back to insecurity. Please check her blog out. She is one of my role models now. I have got to get healthy for me. I need to do this for me to get to the point that I can believe that my husband actually does find me attractive. I need to do this to be a great role-model for my DD. She needs this. My mom felt the same way about herself that I have and maybe it can all be traced back to that, but I want to end this cycle. I want my daughter to be healthy and I want her to feel beautiful in any shape or size.


  1. well 140 or 220 I think you are a beautiful woman. Inside and out.

    I know how it feels tho to be discontent with how we look... even those who seem to look perfect feel that way... its sadly seeming to become the culture we live in... and media is to blame in many ways... but also the lies the devil tells us... I just try to remember that God fearfully and wonderfully made not only my children... but me... perfect for Him.

    Treating our body well and taking care of it is important tho.. but a number should never define us.. you know?

    Im there with you Joy! even tho im on the petite side, I battle with that number constantly in my mind...

    Thanks for the blog too! off to look:)

    1. Thanks Drea! it means a lot. It is truly amazing how so many of us feel this way, no matter what size we are.

  2. You my dear, are the reason I love writing. I cried when I read this....I have a theory. I don't look at people's pictures. I read what people write and I can tell how beautiful or ugly, they may be, through their words. Let me tell you, YOU are beautiful. Of course you want to feel good about yourself too. So I believe in you. I believe you can get to where you want to be. It takes time, but you can do it! :) You have had a hard journey & I am very sorry for your loss.
    Anyhow, I want to thank you so much for you kind words.
    I have my hard days, too. You have made my day, today.


    1. Thank you so much for your support! And you are very welcome. I do love your blog. You are beautiful, both inside and out.

  3. This is beautiful. I can relate to you so well. I also think Lauren is stunning. :) Thank you for contacting me about swapping buttons. I would love to for as long as you like. Lovely blog. :)

  4. My darling daughter-in-law...Don't you know how beautiful you are inside and out!! What a joy you have been to my son and us!! I too, need to loose weight and am going to try really hard, mainly because of my sweet grandchildren...I want to feel good for as long as I can...for them and for me!! So we'll encourge each other...but mainly, we'll love each other for who we are....

  5. oh joy...i am just catching up after being away and am so touched and taken away in this post.
    first off...let me say, that you ARE beautiful.
    you truly are. inside and out.

    i won't tell you shouldn't feel this way. because, we all need to feel what we're feeling.
    but i will say that i don't doubt for a second that your husband finds you pretty and attractive. because, YOU ARE.

    not to mention that you're an amazing mother to your daughter and wife to him.
    I've been through ups and downs with weight and body issues in my past. I had an eating disorder for quite some time. yo-yo'ed up and down with 40lbs for way too many years.

    i'm here for you ever want to vent or chat.
    keep your head up, pretty lady.
    i will be praying for bright and beautiful days.

    and i will check out your friend's blog!

    lots of love to you
    maria <3