Friday, April 20, 2012

Still struggling

There are days that I think I am OK and then days when reality sets in. Today seems to be the latter. I think that I think too much. I try to work it out in my head and really try to convince myself that I am crazy. Most of the time, I feel like I should be completely by now. Then I remember that it has only been five months. Five months ago I lost one of the most important people in my life. And one week ago I lost another one. OK, God.....can you give me a break?

I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has gotten me through the past year because if I didn't believe, I wouldn't still be here. In 12 months, I have lost a baby, my dear sweety kitty cat of 14 years, watched my mother battle brain cancer and held her hand while she died a more horrible death than I could have ever imagined possible, watched my Dad fall apart, watch my grandmother suffer the brutal fight of her only living child, had some pretty bad months with my own health and now lost my grandfather. So I know that this is normal, but that doesn't give me much comfort. I do take comfort in the fact that none of them are suffering anymore because they all suffered pretty badly.

I have definitely decided on one tattoo that I am getting to honor both my love for my husband and my mother. I know that I am also getting one for this last baby that I lost. I just haven't settled on the design. I know not everyone likes tattoos, but they are very personal for me. I'll have to post pics of my other tattoos once I get the color touched up. I have two, one for each of the babies I have already lost. They tell my story and represent my love for each of them and give me strength and some sense that they are always with me. They give me comfort. They tell my story, therefore, I will get more as the times comes.

I have a butterfly for the first: Like a butterfly, we are all different, and beautiful in our own way. In the Christian religion, the metamorphosis a butterfly undergoes is symbolic of the spiritual evolution all Christians go through. Butterflies represent rebirth and a new beginning. For Christians, it is considered a soulful symbol. Source

I have a dragonfly for the second: The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.

Dragonfly Totems Facilitate:

* Greater attention to the nuances and subtleties around us
* Awareness & gratitude of inner beauty
* Awareness of outer beauty, and ability to share it modestly with the world
* Knowledge of life’s brevity, and understanding the importance of making every minute special

I would love to go ahead and get my next one of two, but that will have to wait until I am recovered from my hip replacement. It wouldn't be necessary, but I am going to donate my own blood for the surgery.


  1. I truly admire your honesty-you are a brave, beautiful, loving person. Take that and spread it through everyone that you meet! Praying for you sweetie! Be strong!

    PS - I LOVE the tattoo ideas :)

  2. Joy, I love tattoos. I only have one...a butterfly on my lower hip area. My friend, Kelly, and I got them once I turned 18 together. She has the same one on her lower back. I want to get one on my wrist that says "crazy faith" after my first post and favorite song...
    That's awesome you have a butterfly too! :)
    You're a fighter and you're proof that strength overpowers any obstacle life faces you with!
    You're in my prayers! Have a sweet weekend with your babes!

  3. joy, i hope the week has been good to you.
    i wanted to thank you so much for your sweet and funny comment. it made me laugh out loud and smile. it's funny, bc you'd think steve wouldn't mind me asking him to "give em' a feel" but usually he's like, "hunny, again?! come on...give it a rest...they're full and heavy, ok!" hahaha
    thank you for your thoughts and prayers. <3
    tomorrow (today) is judgement day when i rise. eeeeks

    you know how much it means to me! you've been such a wonderful friend throughout this journey, and though we've never truly met, i count you as a true and genuine friend. thank you for being you. and for being understanding and supportive <3
    i hope you're doing well. happy may!!
    thinking of you and your family and hoping things are brighter and brighter for you.
    thank you for always keeping the faith <3
    i love you