There are days that I think I am OK and then days when reality sets in. Today seems to be the latter. I think that I think too much. I try to work it out in my head and really try to convince myself that I am crazy. Most of the time, I feel like I should be completely by now. Then I remember that it has only been five months. Five months ago I lost one of the most important people in my life. And one week ago I lost another one. OK, God.....can you give me a break?
I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has gotten me through the past year because if I didn't believe, I wouldn't still be here. In 12 months, I have lost a baby, my dear sweety kitty cat of 14 years, watched my mother battle brain cancer and held her hand while she died a more horrible death than I could have ever imagined possible, watched my Dad fall apart, watch my grandmother suffer the brutal fight of her only living child, had some pretty bad months with my own health and now lost my grandfather. So I know that this is normal, but that doesn't give me much comfort. I do take comfort in the fact that none of them are suffering anymore because they all suffered pretty badly.
I have definitely decided on one tattoo that I am getting to honor both my love for my husband and my mother. I know that I am also getting one for this last baby that I lost. I just haven't settled on the design. I know not everyone likes tattoos, but they are very personal for me. I'll have to post pics of my other tattoos once I get the color touched up. I have two, one for each of the babies I have already lost. They tell my story and represent my love for each of them and give me strength and some sense that they are always with me. They give me comfort. They tell my story, therefore, I will get more as the times comes.
I have a butterfly for the first: Like a butterfly, we are all different, and beautiful in our own way. In the Christian religion, the metamorphosis a butterfly undergoes is symbolic of the spiritual evolution all Christians go through. Butterflies represent rebirth and a new beginning. For Christians, it is considered a soulful symbol. Source
I have a dragonfly for the second: The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.
Dragonfly Totems Facilitate:
* Greater attention to the nuances and subtleties around us
* Awareness & gratitude of inner beauty
* Awareness of outer beauty, and ability to share it modestly with the world
* Knowledge of life’s brevity, and understanding the importance of making every minute special
I would love to go ahead and get my next one of two, but that will have to wait until I am recovered from my hip replacement. It wouldn't be necessary, but I am going to donate my own blood for the surgery.