Still struggling

There are days that I think I am OK and then days when reality sets in. Today seems to be the latter. I think that I think too much. I try to work it out in my head and really try to convince myself that I am crazy. Most of the time, I feel like I should be completely by now. Then I remember that it has only been five months. Five months ago I lost one of the most important people in my life. And one week ago I lost another one. OK, God.....can you give me a break?

I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has gotten me through the past year because if I didn't believe, I wouldn't still be here. In 12 months, I have lost a baby, my dear sweety kitty cat of 14 years, watched my mother battle brain cancer and held her hand while she died a more horrible death than I could have ever imagined possible, watched my Dad fall apart, watch my grandmother suffer the brutal fight of her only living child, had some pretty bad months with my own health and now lost my grandfather. So I know that this is normal, but that doesn't give me much comfort. I do take comfort in the fact that none of them are suffering anymore because they all suffered pretty badly.

I have definitely decided on one tattoo that I am getting to honor both my love for my husband and my mother. I know that I am also getting one for this last baby that I lost. I just haven't settled on the design. I know not everyone likes tattoos, but they are very personal for me. I'll have to post pics of my other tattoos once I get the color touched up. I have two, one for each of the babies I have already lost. They tell my story and represent my love for each of them and give me strength and some sense that they are always with me. They give me comfort. They tell my story, therefore, I will get more as the times comes.

I have a butterfly for the first: Like a butterfly, we are all different, and beautiful in our own way. In the Christian religion, the metamorphosis a butterfly undergoes is symbolic of the spiritual evolution all Christians go through. Butterflies represent rebirth and a new beginning. For Christians, it is considered a soulful symbol. Source

I have a dragonfly for the second: The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.
Source

Dragonfly Totems Facilitate:

* Greater attention to the nuances and subtleties around us
* Awareness & gratitude of inner beauty
* Awareness of outer beauty, and ability to share it modestly with the world
* Knowledge of life’s brevity, and understanding the importance of making every minute special
Source


I would love to go ahead and get my next one of two, but that will have to wait until I am recovered from my hip replacement. It wouldn't be necessary, but I am going to donate my own blood for the surgery.

Goodbye Papa

The last 10 years have been really bad for him. He was diagnosed with Dementia right after John and I got married. Pat (his wife) kept him at home for as long as possible. Eventually he became too dangerous to keep. He was originally at the VA in Roanoke, VA, but eventually that was too much of a trip for everyone so she brought him home again for a little while and eventually she put him a locked-down unit at one of the local nursing homes in their hometown. He still knew who we were. They eventually finally got the correct diagnosis of Lewy Body Dementia. A few weeks ago, Pat took him out to eat and he started screaming and grabbing his head. They went to the ER and the dr couldn't really find anything. Oddly enough, we got together with them for lunch last Saturday for Easter. Pat hid candy for an Easter egg hunt. Papa was doing better than I had seen him in a while. Thursday night, I got a phone call from my brother that Papa had been taken back to the ER. CT scans showed he had a bleed on his brain. The decision had been made to not treat unless they could guarantee that he would get a lot better, but the ER dr definitely said that he wouldn't treat if it was his family member. 8:30 yesterday morning I called Pat at home and he was stable. Talked to Travis (my brother) at 9:40 and he had just gotten there and Pap was a little confused and couldn't swallow, but things were still fairly stable. He called back at 9:58 and told me I needed to come. John and I left work in Raleigh, but he died 10 minutes before we got to the hospital. I am sad and hurting, but I am SOOOOOOOO happy for him that he isn't suffering anymore.

A few neat stories from him lately. Last Saturday, after we left their house, he told Pat that he dreamed about Mama and she was holding 2 babies. For those of you who don't know, my mom had a late miscarriage with her 1st pregnancy and Papa and my grandmother (Ma) had a stillborn after my mom. Another one in the ER, he was laying down on an exam table and all of a sudden, started smiling and opened his eyes and told Pat that he and Gail (my mom) were sitting at a table getting ready to eat some ice cream. (The last month my mom was alive the only thing we could get her to eat was ice cream). Now to some, this might not seem unusual at all, but we never told Papa that Mama had died. He knew that she was sick, but we didn't ever tell him after she died. Something tells me that he knew anyway because he stopped calling the house after she died.

So I am going to believe that he and Mama are together with Him and they are all sitting around enjoying some ice cream. I love you and I will miss you!!!!!

Please PRAY

My grandfather (Papa) is in the hospital with a brain bleed and it is looking very bad right now. I'm on my way, but I wanted to ask for prayers. I am so very thankful that we had a great visit with my brother and both of our kids. It was a lot of fun and I can't help, but thank God that we got that chance. It is such a bittersweet event. Can you please pray that after this, I will have a few months of boring, uneventfulness.

Prayer requests

My dear friend who I mentioned in this post called me early this morning so I knew it couldn't be good news. Her mom had surgery to remove the tumor on March 6 and has had such a hard time in recovery. At 8:22 she called to tell me that she had come back home to run some errands and that she had just got a phone call that her mother had suffered a HUGE set-back after she left and was on life support. At 8:48 she called to tell me that her mom didn't make it.

My heart aches for her loss. Unfortunately, I know all too well what she is feeling. Please, please, please lift her family up in your prayers. I haven't talked to her to get permission to post this, so I'm not giving names, but please remember her family today and in the next few weeks. I wish I could take this pain away. Love to you, girlie!! It won't be easy, but I promise you will survive this. You won't know how and there will definitely be days that you won't believe so, but you have family and friends who will help you!!

WW - Easter

Two months

June 4th is my DD. Hip replacement will be happening as long as nothing changes between now and then. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo nervous, but excited about not hurting after the recovery. I'm not delusional in thinking that June - October won't suck because I'm sure that I will be in pain during that period of recover, but I do look forward to waking up w/o the sharp, aching from my hip to my groin. I obviously have never experienced bone cancer, but that is how the pain from AVN is described in comparison. Hopefully, none of you will ever have to experience it.

I evidently have a pretty high pain tolerance, but it can get very bad some days. Then, there are other days that I barely walk with a limp. Even though it has progressed from a Stage 2 to a Stage 4, I could probably postpone the surgery for a few more years, but I want to be able to play with Cecelia. I want to be able to sit on the floor with her and hop back up. Right now I can get down there, but it takes WAY too much effort to get up. There ain't no hopping going on right now (lol). I want to have two more kids and it would be nice to do that w/o hurting. Though, I can say that my pain was definitely lessened during pregnancy, but it came roaring back after I had her. I'm assuming that the hormones played a huge role in that.

Just keep me in your thoughts and prayers for the next five or six months. I think I'm going to need them.

My Dearest Husband

You are my rock. You are the love of my life. You are the best thing that has happened to me. Without you, we wouldn't have our beautiful baby girl. I thank God that he put you in my life. I can't thank you enough for picking up the slack so many times in our day to day lives. I don't know how I would have made it without you. I would truly be insane. I didn't know if I could make it through day to day without you. I didn't know that I could love you more than I did when we got married, but that theory proved wrong the day Cecelia was born. You are the best Daddy in the world. Of course my Dad is pretty good, but it is amazing to watch your interaction with her. Of course, I still get jealous at the easy, worry-free relationship that you have with her. It seems that I have to work so hard at my relationship with her, but I guess that is normal too. I love you and I thank you!! Always my love!!!

Here is a link to a few pictures that show the beauty of relationships:

https://plus.google.com/photos/113625877228052891541/albums/5726461581652294961

My Dearest Daughter

I almost can't put into words how much I love you. I just want to write this down so that I can read it in my darkest moments. From this day forward, I promise that when I am mad, I will count to 10 before talking to you. I know that Mommy has been short tempered lately. There are no excuses. I have reasons, but no excuses. My own Mom died 4.5 months ago. Since the day I took her to the ER, I have become someone different. My emotions have been all over the board. I can be perfectly fine one second and the next I can cry uncontrollably and scream. None of this is your fault. It is so hard for me to come to terms with the loss of Mama. But once again, that isn't your fault. The best thing I can do is let you know that I will try to be the Mommy you deserve. I have a hard time remembering that you are only 2.5. You are so articulate and speak in sentences so it is easy to forget that you are still a toddler in the throes of the terrible twos. You are the sweetest, most loving little girl. I know that your behavior is the norm for your age and I am so very sorry that I lose my temper with you. Mommy is so very sorry that I scare you sometimes because I snap and yell. It isn't your fault and I just want you to know. I'm sure that I won't be perfect, but I don't think there is a perfect Mommy, but I will try. I Love You, you beautiful baby girl!!!