Due Date

Beautiful Baby,

Today was your due date. I should be complaining of swollen feet or how heavy you are in my belly. Instead, I am thinking of what might have been. Instead of being giddy about your pending arrival, I will watch the clock today because at 10:40 AM your grandma has been holding you for six weeks in heaven. I am writing this through tears streaming down my face at work, but still somehow I manage to smile thinking about this. I will be sad today and that is OK, but I do smile at the thought of seeing grandma holding her baby up there and you and your siblings because I know that's where you are. I am so very grateful that I beleive in Him because I don't know how I would get through it without that Belief. So while I am sad and you will see tears, there is also hope. It's hard to remember that most of the time, but I promise I will try harder.

Mommy loves you with everything I have (lol.... to those of you who know why that is funny)

Wish you were here..............

I'm still here

Thanks for all of the well wishes during this Christmas season. Christmas was very hard and different this year. Obviously, I was planning on it being hard, but not as hard as it was. I ended up being REALLY sick this year. My fever started Friday night around 11pm and lasted until Monday morning. I didn't leave my house at all during the Christmas weekend, which means that I missed both celebrations with my family and my wonderful in-laws. I did get out of bed long enough to watch Celia open her gifts and see what Santa brought. I promise pictures will be posted later. My dad brought me my Christmas gift Sunday morning when he dropped by to see what DD got. He had my mom's diamond re-set into a necklace and gave it to me along with her earrings. I held it together pretty well that morning, but lost it and cried all afternoon after John left with Celia. So a lot of tears have fallen, but that is to be expected.

My heart breaks for one of our Bible Study comrade's. His mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the month after my mom was diagnosed w/ brain cancer. She had a massive stroke Monday morning and passed away. It is so very sad. My only hope for him is that he was able to enjoy a nice Christmas with her before it happened. Prayers are being sent your way Pete!!! Not a boat anyone wants to join us in.

Grateful

Years ago I told John (DH) that when we had children I wanted it to be just the two of us in the delivery room. Then we put kids off for a while after 2 miscarriage in the early years. During that time, my brother and SIL had 2 kids. My mom was in there with them during her labors.

She started talking about her being there with me then. I was still very against it until I was actually pregnant with Celia (DD). I now know that God was talking to me then. I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am that Mama was in the room when Celia was born. I just truly never imagined that it would be my only birth she was alive for.

I know I have said it so many times, but please remember to tell everyone you love how much you love then every single chance you get. Because you truly don't know if it will be the last time you get the chance. Your live can compltely turn upside down at any given second and you don't always get the chance to talk to your loved one. So I am glad that I got to tell Mama how much I loved her and to pray with her.

I truly do believe that I will see my mom one day. And that she isn't sad and grieving now for that is for all of us earthly beings to do. She is happy, healthy, waiting for us to join her. She is catching up with all of her loved ones who left too early for her.

My FIL sang a beautiful song at Mama's memorial service and I believe it is so very true. Here are the lyrics to the perfect song

'Look for Me'

When you finally make your entrance to that city
Of jasper walls and bright golden avenue;
As you behold all its beauty and its splendor,
Remember there's just one request I make of you.

Chorus
Look for me for I will be here, too
I realize when you arrive, there will be so much to view;
After you've been there ten thousand years, a million, maybe two,
Look for me for I will be there, too.

As you go down your list of firsts, there's no question,
You'll want to see our loved ones waiting there for you;
And when you feel you've shared your story with the last one
That wants you hear you tell just how you made it through,

Chorus
Looke for me and I will be there too
I realized when you arrive there will be so much to view
After you've ben there ten thousand years, a million, maybe two,
Look for me for I'll be there too

Look for me I will be there too
I will be there too


Obviously, that doesn't make us any less sad or take our grief away, but I do rejoice in that she isn't. I love and miss you every single breath!!

One final Thank you post

Since my willingness to post Thank you's for the Month of November shot out the window when my mom died Nov 17, I figured I would sum it up now. Today and always, I am thankful for the 34 years I had with my mom. I am also so very thankful that I have had my grandmother (Ma) in my everyday life almost my entire life. My parents have lived with Ma since I was 2, so in essence I had three parents. I thought my daughter would have a similar experience. Not that I ever intended for us to live together, but it truly just didn't enter my mind that Celia wouldn't know my mom.

So, I am going to thank God for each and every single day I still get with Ma. My heart breaks for her. I watch her struggle each and every single day over the death of her only child and it kills me. I want her to know that I will be there each and every time she needs me. All she has to do is ask. I can't imagine how she feels. Can you imagine the closeness of living together 54 out of 63 years? I certainly hope that I will know what that feels like, but never in my life would I want to have to watch my daughter die. Watching her grieve has honestly probably been harder than going through the emotions myself. My mom retired in 12/08 so they have truly been together 24/7 for three years. And now Mama is gone and both my brother and I have gone back to work. I imagine that this has been harder because it goes back to a new normal.

Not quite sure that I have made any sense here, but I am so very thankful to have Ma still in my life and I am not going to take a single second for granted. Love you Ma!!!!!!!!!

WW - Santa Baby!!!

 

sorry for the blog break

I just haven't been in the mood to blog lately. I think of something to post about and if it isn't done that very second I forget it. Please forgive my silence lately. I just can't quite get it together since my mom died.

Looking for Cecelia, C or Celia Monogrammed clothing

If you have any email me at:

joy_wrenn@yahoo.com

Giveaway winner

I had a few people enter through email and a few through FB, but my winner is: Maria. Email me and I'll get your code to you as quickly as possible. I know you will definitely use this program with all of your pictures. Thanks to all who entered

Does this get better

Just when I think that I am over the hump of utter despair, days like today happens. I went back to work yesterday and made it through the day relatively OK. Today, I have broken down twice at my desk so far. I just never imagined my life without my mom in it. I love you Mama! I miss you more than anything.

How did this happen????

Mama's kidneys slowly started failing last weekend. My Dad called us all to come over Tuesday night. The hospice social worker came by that day and talked about the kidneys shutting down and told us to expect her to die within the next 2.5 weeks. She wasn't really responding to us very much that day. She did open her eyes and mouthed "I Love You too" and for that I will be eternally grateful for that.

Wednesday, I went to work as usual, but told my supervisor that I was really unsure of when it would happen. John and I went over after work on Wednesday and I realized that things had gotten drastically worse. We called the hospice nurse that night and I sent Celia home with John. Ma (my grandmother) was really upset (obviously understandable) and I didn't want Celia to get scared or confused. My brother came back over and we both spent the night. The last night of my mom's life my dad, grandmother, brother and I all slept under the same roof. We all got up a few times during the night, but she was still breathing.

My Dad, brother and I went to the funeral home Thursday morning to get things settled so that when she did die we wouldn't have to do a whole lot. We walked back in the house at 10:15 and my brother took Ma to a dentist appt. One of Daddy's good friends was there. He got up to leave around 10:35-ish and my SIL, Cindy, and I were in the room with Mama when her breathing started changing. Cindy (a nurse) noticed how bad it was getting and said that it wouldn't be long and ran to get my dad (who was outside with his friend). Her eyes opened a little bit, I kissed her cheek, told her how much I love her, and that Ma would be fine. I said that it would be hard, but that I promised her that we would take care of Ma and get her through this. She closed her eyes, let out one last gasp of air and that was it. Her dog, Rhine, was laying beside Mama's pillow when she died so she was surrounded with love. I can honestly say that I would never have imagined holding my mom while she died, but I wouldn't change a thing.

I honestly think that she waited for Ma to leave. I think she knew how hard it was going to be for Ma and didn't want her to be there. Mama was Ma's only living child (she had a stillborn son a few years after my mom and numerous miscarriages). They have lived together since I was 2. So out of the 63 years my mother was alive they only lived in separate households for maybe 8 or 9. Can you imagine? I can only hope and pray that I have as close of a relationship with Celia, but still I can't imagine what it would be like. I have tried picturing myself in Ma's shoes and I can't. I hope and pray that I never have to.

Thankful - Day 16 & 17

I am thankful that right now my mom is wrapped in His holy arms. I am thankful that she is no longer in pain. I am thankful that I don't doubt that I will see her again. I am thankful that I had 34 years here on earth with my mom. I am thankful that I was holding her hand when she took her last breath. I am thankful!!! I am heartbroken, but thankful.

Thankful - Day 15

I am having a hard time coming up with anything to be thankful for today, but I guess the one thing I can be thankful for is that my Savior is here for me. God is the only thing that is going to keep me sane for the next month or so. It is just a matter of time before my mom dies and it really is so completely unreal.

Bear with me the next few weeks and please PRAY for my entire family. My dad is in such a dark place and I completely understand that. Pray for her to be pain-free. Pray for us to be able to comfort her the best way possible. Pray that God wrap his arms around us all. Pray for my grandmother.

Thankful - Day 14

I am so very thankful for the friends and family who have called, came by, visited, brought food to and supported my entire family during this time of crisis the past few months. You just never think that you will ever be the person in need. I can tell you for sure that my father has been amazed at how many friends he and my mom have. Sure, he was always positive that people knew who he was, but never imagined that there would be that many people willing to drop everything and help when needed. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

My Memories 2 - Digital Scrapbooking Review and Giveaway

I was recently contacted by My Memories to do a review on their software. I have been scrapbooking for a few years. I did get another digital program a few years ago, but in all honestly, I haven't used it at all. So I jumped at the chance to review another digital scrapbooking software. I downloaded it a few weeks ago. With everything going on with my mom, I haven't had a ton of time, but I have played around with it a few times and so far I LOVE it.

I highly recommend watching their tutorial videos on YouTube. They have been very helpful. Not only is the program great for digital scrapbooking, you can also make calendars, cards, photo books and blog templates. That is one feature I can't wait to try out.

My Memories Suite is very user friendly. They have a tone of scrapbook kits and they have quite a few that are FREE (and we all know that is very rare these days). You can choose to be a part of their Design Club which guarantees 5 exclusive new kits each month (not sold in stores) for only $5.99 per month. Those of you who have been scrapbooking for a while know that traditional paper kits can cost anywhere from $20 - 40 dollars. That is a HUGE difference.

I have played around with the digital software a little and so far this is my favorite page I have done:

Great news for one of you is that My Memories is going to give one lucky reader a chance to win the digital software. Go to their site, pick out your favorite kit, come back and leave me a comment.

As a bonus, if you do not win or if you can't wait, you can use my special promo code: STMMMS15450 to get $10 off of the My Memories Suite software and get a $10 coupon for their store (a $20 value).



Extra Entries:

1. Follow me on Google Friend Connect.

2. Follow My Memories and Me on Facebook.

Contest ends November 28. Winner will be notified by email and have 48 hours to respond.
Good luck!!!

Thankful - Day 13

Today I am thankful once again that I have a healthy child. She has decided that she must want to die soon. In the past three days she has taken two really bad falls. Friday, she was in her booster seat at my parent's watching a video. I had just put the tray on and before I could make sure it was on tight, she leaned forward, put all of her weight on it and flipped head first out of the seat, banging her forehead on the bar.

Today, once again, we were at my parent's and she wanted to go outside with her cousins. I opened the door and said, "wait a minute, hold mommy's hand" and since she's 2 she didn't listen. She ran straight to the steps, took the first one fine and lost her footing on the next and went head first down the steps flipping over completely three times as she tumbled down the EIGHT steps landing on the concrete walk. She was fine. Little bump on the top of her head and a red mark on her back. Really??? God is amazing.

I was terrified. I couldn't imagine the bloody mess or broken bones I was going to have to deal with. Nope. Within a minute, she was crying because I wouldn't take her back outside. It is amazing to me that kids are so resilient.

Thankful - Day 12 - a little late

 

Thankful - Day 11

Today I am so very thankful for the men and women who are willing to put their life on the line for us to have the freedom we enjoy each and every day.

Thank you Veterans!!!! Thank you God!!! (as Celia would say)

Thankful - Day 10

Today I am thankful for the good moments with my mom. We went last night and she knew who we all were. Celia ran up to her bed and grabbed Mama's arm, put her head on it and squeezed saying, "I love you, Grandma". She melts my heart. I have been very surprised at how well Celia has been dealing with everything going on. She isn't scared of my mom or of any of the medical equipment. She just views Grandma as Grandma. Love those moments.

Mama told me last night that she wanted a table top Christmas tree in red and green and she wanted pictures on her walls. So that will be happening very soon.

Just take the time to remeber to tell the people you love that you love them. Every single moment could be our last on earth.

Thankful - Day 9

typically I do a Wordless Wednesday, but keeping with the thankful posts, here goes:

I am thankful that I have had the past few months with my Dad. Those of you who know me and my situation might laugh and not understand, but my husband has been telling me for years that I am just like my Dad. And maybe I am. We have completely polar opposite views on things, but we both will argue until our death defending our view. Therefore, we but heads a LOT!!!!!!!!!! probably the understatement of the year. Due to this, we have probably drifted away from our relationship more in the past 10 years than we ever had. I was a Daddy's girl growing up. He is crazy, but he is still my Daddy. The past few months, while the hardest I could ever imagine, I feel like I have my Daddy back.

He is still crazy and I am his target to yell at when he is stressed out, but I can handle it. I am the one who will yell right back in his face, but then laugh about it on my drive home/away. My heart truly breaks that he is going through the sorrow of losing his wife. They celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary on October 3. Can you imagine being married to someone for 45 years and then all of a sudden the love of your life is gone? I can't. Of course, my mom really is already gone. She is still alive right now, but doensn't always recognize us and it is the hardest thing ever, but I can't iamgine my husband not recognizing me. I can't imagine how hard that is.

I am thankful that I have a father who is still in my life because I know there are plenty out there that never knew their father or who's father chose not to be in their lives. Love you Daddy!!!!

Thankful - Day 8

Today I am thankful that we have such a great woman who keeps Celia for us. Gail LOVES Celia and Celia LOVES her. I honestly think that she would go to Gail's 7 days a week if we let her. She came to Celia's birthday party and had a bag full of stuff for her. She then launched into telling us that she had started Celia's Christmas shopping the Friday before. This was early September. STARTED her Christmas shopping. We still haven't bought her a think for Christmas. I can't even begin to try to put into words how comforting it is to not have a second's worry about your child's safety and welfare. I know we are so very lucky.

Thankful

I am so very thankful that Celia has a daddy who is so much a part of her everyday life because I know plenty of Daddies who aren't or who have no desire to be there for everything. Celia is still sick and her Daddy is at home with her today. Loving her and playing ALLLLLLLLL day long. It makes me laugh everytime I see their interactions because it is so different from how she interacts with me. I am here for comfort and hugs and kisses. He is there to play even when she's sick. Prime example, she was sitting in my lap crying for over 30 minutes wanting me to hold her and love on her; Daddy walks in and she hops up runs over there and starts yelling "Yay, Daddy, let's play." Really??????????? But I thank my lucky stars that they have that relationship.

Thankful

I am thankful for a flexible job with absolute certain security. I work for the State of NC in an agency that only gets busier when the economy takes a downturn. I am so sorry that we are in the financial state that we are in, but I do not take the job security lightly. My job is stressful and certainly not fun, but I do count my lucky stars.

Crying face

Just as I was telling Maria the other day, Celia has always had such an adorable crying face. Here's a few just to show I was telling the truth:

Not much has changed, huh???

Thankful

I am thankful to have a healthy child. She has a bad cold currently, but I thank God every day that we aren't fighting a HUGE battle. I have a distant cousin who's son had a neuroblastoma diagnosed at age 2. He finally died at age 8 (I think). I truly can't imagine that loss, therefore I thank you God for each and every single day that I have with a healthy 2yo

Thankful

I am a few days late, but I'm going to try to post what I'm thankful for every day this week. Since I'm starting on the 4th, I'll try to catch up.

I'm thankful for:

my husband - he is my rock
my daughter - she keeps me sane
being able to still tell my mom how much she means to me (even if she can't always respond or understand)
my God for always being there and for understanding when I'm angry, sad, hurt and in pain

Am I alone

Today is just one of those days that I struggle with myself. I didn't start this blog with the hopes of having 1000s of readers. I mean it would be great, but since I work full time outside of the home and still want to interact with my husband and child that just wasn't what made me to decide to write about my life.

So much has happened in the 10-11 months since I started the blog. 2011 has been one of the worst years in my life and this has been a great outlet for my pain, but I still doubt myself sometimes. I feel like I am alone.

I don't even know what point I am trying to make today, but I just want to know how many readers I actually have. I am probably one of the worst blog followers as I don't usually make comments and that is something I am going to work on. I really do feel so much kinship with the bloggers I comment on and who comment on here. It is amazing how much you can feel that you actually know bloggers/friends online. Just checking to see how many of you are out there.

I promise that I will be a better blog follower/friend.

WW - she keeps me sane and keeps me going

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've been putting this off for as long as possible

We went back to Duke last Monday. We saw the NP first and you could tell she was very worried. My mom is in such bad shape. She is exhausted, very swollen, lethargic, speech slurred, dizzy and not always cognitively intact. She did her exam and then left to get the neuro-oncologist. Three of them came back. The first thing the dr said was that her brain looked "beautiful". This was a complete and utter shock to all of us. None of us thought the treatment was working at all.

She thinks that the tumor location and treatment combined has destroyed my mom's adrenal gland. What does that mean? Basically the adrenal system give us all the desire to get up and go. To fight. To eat. To want to live. All of this is gone for my mom. They asked us to give them 2.5 weeks to try to get it started again. They put her back on steroids, increased her Ritalin, and added an appetite stimulant. At that point, she wasn't eating anything. It got a little better in the days following the appt, but I'm not sure anymore.

Hospice came to the house the following day. It is such a hard situation, but I think that we need it. My dad and grandmother need help. They need someone else to take some of the pressure off. He needs a break. he needs to not have to be the caregiver 24/7. It was time for him to become her husband again.

She is more awake than she has been in weeks and maybe even a month. I was feeling hopeful last week, but tonight was BAD. I went in the bedroom (she is now in a hospital bed in my childhood bedroom). Her eyes were open and I could see that she had been crying. I'm honestly not sure whether she completely understood what I was saying or if she really knew who I was.

I honestly don't know what to ask for. I want my mom to be better. I want her to be comfortable. I want her to not be in pain. I want my child to remember my mom. I want to comfort my dad, but don't know how. I want to take Ma's (my grandmother) pain away. I want to go to sleep and wake up 6 months ago to be able to tell her how much I love her.

I tell her every time I see her, but I feel that I lost so many opportunities to tell her when she was well. I do know that I will never let this happen again and I hope and pray that everyone takes that advice. Tell everyone you love how much and often. I want my child to grow up in a household where we tell each other every day how much we mean to each other. Now don't get me wrong, I never doubted that my parents loved me, but we were certainly not an outwardly loving family. I want something different for my child. I don't want her to only hear that if I am going on a trip or if something bad happens. (I think I am just rambling now, so forgive me)

Please tell everyone important to you how much they mean to you as often as possible. Please pray for healing for my mom. Please pray that if He doesn't heal her on earth that He gives us the strength and grace to help her go. I just want her to be pain free and as comfortable as possible for as long as possible.

D Day

We go back to Duke this afternoon to find out whether treatment worked or not. Please pray for all of us today. Pray that God has healed her. Pray that if that hasn't happened, that He will give us the strength and grace that we need to help her get through this. And through this, I mean either more treatments or help us let her die with the grace and dignity that we all deserve.

Seeking peace

My mom was admitted to the hospital yesterday. She needed some blood transfusions and antibiotics for an infection. She was more awake and her eyes were open more last night than I have seen them in a few weeks. Right now the plan is to keep her in for 2-3 days and then Hospice is going to come to the house. I still believe that God can heal her, but right now I am just asking you guys to pray for peace for all of us. It is unimagineable that I am going to bury my mom in my mid-thirties, but it is my reality. Please pray that I have the strength and grace to help her get through this.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day that I understand all too well. This year I was supposed to be 7 or 8 months pregnant and instead I have suffered my third pregnancy loss.

My first miscarriage was in May 2001, my second was in Sept 2011 and my third was in May 2011. I have been pregnant four times and I have only one living child. She is my heart and soul.

I have a long hx of pregnancy loss and infant deaths in my family. My mother was the only surviving child of my grandmother. She was born three months premature and survived. Can you believe that she survived 63 years ago at 25 weeks gestation. My grandmother went on to have quite a few more miscarriages and a still-born son a few years later.

My mom lost her first baby at 17 weeks. She never had another miscarriage. I honestly didn't think I would have any problems having babies. I was 23 when I lost my first and I was 33 when I lost my last. I put my faith in God that I will be able to have another baby. It isn't in my hands. I pray for all of you out there that have suffered any form of pregnancy or infant loss. I pray for all of you out there who suffer with infertility. I know that no matter what, I will be OK. It's hard to remember that at all times though

Heart Breaking

My heart is breaking once again. I think that I do fairly well most of the time holding it together, but we all reach our breaking point. I called Hospice today to find out what we need to do to get my mom in their system. Once again, I CALLED HOSPICE. for my DYING mother. I want to go to sleep and wake up 6 months ago. 6 months ago I was pregnant, my mom was fine and my 14yo cat was still here.

Here we are, no baby or pregnancy, Little Bit is dead and I called Hospice for my dying mother. I know that I will get through this, I just hope I will come out of it in one piece. Because my heart has shattered into a thousand pieces.

Last treatment DONE!!!

My mom had her last radiation treatment today. YAY!!! Praise God!!! I am asking for a few specific prayers.

Pray that:
My mom gets her appetite back
She gets her strength back
She gets energy
She'll be able to walk again in a few weeks.
The treatment worked as well as possible.
That if it didn't work, please give us the strength and grace we need to help her go
For her to be as pain free as possible

PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

WW - Oh well

I was going to post some old pics, but seem to be having a really hard time with Blogger tonight. So instead I'll try to post some of my scripture/quotes I've pinned recently:

Struggling

I am struggling and I have been this entire year. I know I said a month or so ago that I was done with whining, but I don't think I am. I have been struggling with SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many things. I never did get a chance to really grieve over losing a baby before my mom got sick. John and I went out the weekend before my mom was diagnosed to celebrate our 12th anniversary. 12th!!!! That was the first real date we had after I had my miscarriage. We were supposed to have a good date in May, but then I had to put my precious kitty cat to sleep the day before so all we did on that date was eat, shop at Roses and the Dollar Tree and sit at home and cry.

I feel like I need to do something before I truly lose my mind, but I can't. I can't take an entire weekend to get away because I don't know what is going to happen with my mom from day to day so I can't be more than an hour away. I couldn't forgive myself if I couldn't be there if God forbid something happens.

My mom has three more radiation treatments and then she has a three week break. My brother will do her MRI (he's an MRI tech) and we go back to Duke for the results on 10/24. I'll try to get pics of her this week. It is absolutely heartbreaking watching the toll it is taking on her (and the rest of us). My mom went from fully functioning four months ago to wheelchair bound and using a potty chair beside the bed. I have to roll her over in bed and move her legs because she doesn't have the energy or the strength to do it herself. I went from calling my mom a few months ago to get her opinion before doing something to just praying that she is awake so that I can see her at all. Working an hour away, by the time I get home most days she is already in bed asleep. I talked to her yesterday afternoon and asked her if she would be up late and her response was "I'm going to wait until 5pm". So I waited until this morning to go.

Just please PRAY!!!!!!!!!! I am begging you to pray and please forward to prayers lists. We all need them right now.

WW - Celia's Birthday Celebration

Ha!

I just looked across the room and laughed. Celia was coming down the hall wearing red/pink & black striped pants w/ a grey and hot pink elmo shirt, a pink hat w/ a purple peace sign and brown and pink polka dot dress shoes. I shook my head laughing and then looked down. I have a red elmo shirt on with white, blue and teal striped pj pants and carolina blue flip flops. Like mother like daughter I guess.

Celia is TWO

We took Cecelia to her 2 yr well baby visit. She is in the 50 percentile for her height and head circumference and once again off the chart for her weight. She is 34" long and weighs 21 lbs 10 oz. We knew she would at least be 22lbs, but no such luck. She of course has been sick 3 out of the last 4 weeks so her weight always drops when that happens. We aren't that concerned as she has hit all of her developmental milestones on time or early and she is still growing lengthwise. She's just skinny. And we love her just the same. We do have to take her back in 6 months because they want to make sure that she doesn't drop anymore or any further off of the chart.

Praying things get better

My mom had another appointment with the oncologist yesterday. I didn't go because I have to take off Friday for DD's 2 year well-baby visit (will post those stats later). They did some lab work on her and she was extremely dehydrated. Her BP was at 80/40 and she has been complaining of vertigo. The dr told them that she was dizzy because she was so dehydrated. They gave her 2 bags of fluid and also gave her two prescriptions. One antidepressant and one stimulant to help keep her awake during the day.

I am hoping and praying that this will make her feel better. I hope that she realizes how much better she feels after getting the fluid and starts to drink more and more. She was drinking around 48oz of water when treatment started and I would guess that she is now down to less than 16oz. She just keeps saying that she isn't hungry or thirsty, but if something doesn't change I have a feeling that they will admit her. I tried talking with her last night, but I don't know if I got through to her.

I am just asking all of you reading to please pray. Pray that she starts doing what she needs to do to get better. Pray that she feels at least slightly better so that she can tell a difference when she's hydrated. Pray that my dad and grandmother keep their patience. Pray that God will lay his healing hand upon her. Pray that He gives me the strength I need to help her get through this. Pray that He gives me the wisdom to talk to her about Him because I want my family with me in eternity. PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!!!!

My husband's picture smile

Ha! John argue and tells me that I am just giving him a hard time about his picture smile. Check out some of the pics on the next two blog posts and tell me if anyone else agrees.

A Rough Week

Last week was rough with my mom. My DD was sick at the beginning of the week so I stayed away from my mom all week to avoid getting her sick. It is so hard to do this because I feel that I need to spend as much time with her now, but I can't take the chance of getting her sick.

My heart breaks more and more every day. I talked to Ma (my grandmother) on the phone quite a bit last week. My mom is doing less and less each day. I know she has got to be exhausted, but I just don't believe that she will get better if she keeps going the way she is going currently. Saturday, I got to their house around 2 and she had just gotten out of bed at 12:30. She was in the living room when I was there, but she was asking to go to bed by 5 or 5:30 when I left. Yesterday, we had Celia's birthday party (pics to come later) and she didn't come. My brother couldn't even get her to get up and brush her teeth. She had gone back to lay down around 11:30 yesterday morning and never got up. When my dad got back from the party around 3 or 3:30 she asked him to help put her gown on.

She talks less and less. We all try our best to get her to talk. She will answer questions, but other than that, she doesn't participate in a conversation. She talks more with friends who come to visit and that is fine. I wish this would happen more often. It doesn't hurt my feelings that she interacts more with friends. I think part of that is she wants to appear to others as doing fairly well and she doesn't have to do that with us. I don't know if it is depression or if it is just the location of the tumor.

I hope and pray that I am wrong and I am begging you guys to continue to pray for us. I just don't know right now if I truly believe that she will be alive at Christmas.

WW - more from the family session

I'm a football widow

Ask my husband what his favorite season is and he'll answer honestly: FOOTBALL season. Ha!! I love him and I love the fact that he is passionate about something. We have season tickets for Appalachian State Football. I usually don't go because they make them day trips and 6.5 hours of driving isn't that much fun for me. We're going to take Celia to a game at some point in the season, hopefully.

Here's us at a game on Halloween 2008

He always laughs at me dreading football. It isn't just that I dread missing him on Saturdays during football season, although I do, it is the 2.5 hour phone calls that happen at least twice during the week (and sometimes more) with is brother so they can talk about football. Now John and Justin both go to the games so they have 6.5 hours on Saturday of just riding in the car that they can talk about football. you would think this would be enough, but it isn't. I honestly can't imagine talking that long about anything and I really do mean anything. LOL!!! Love them both....

Oh and did I forget to mention that he played football for a year at App quite a few years ago. (don't tell him I hacked into his FB account to steal this pic....we'll have to see if he actually reads my blog)

Birthday Festivities

My MIL - Rhonda had a birthday dinner at her house yesterday and invited all of my immediately family as well. I can't express how much it truly meant to have my mom there. It is so bittersweet. I know that I should just try to enjoy every single second I have with her, but it is so easy to just become lost in the moment. All I could think about is that it might be the last birthday she's alive to celebrate with me. God willing that won't happen, but it is so hard to even imagine. Once again, Rhonda, I don't think I can express how much your willingness to pick Cecelia up every day, your concern for making sure my parents have food to eat and your willingness to hold everything at your house means to me. I know that to some these things seem trivial, but they are what matters most in moments of need.

9/11 - My Birthday

I have seen numerous 9/11 shows and news casts about 9/11 already since it is the 10th anniversary. Since that day, I always get the same response when asked what my birthday is...."oh, I'm so sorry. It has to suck to have that day as your birthday." But, if you go back far enough in history, something bad has happened on every day. I don't view 9/11 as the worst day. Now 9/11/01 was a very bad day not only for America, but for me as well.

Ten years ago, I was turning 24 and I was at home losing a baby. I ended up having to get a D&C on 9/14 because the bleeding would not stop. Now for those of you who have lost babies, you know how horribly painful the entire process is. Not only just physically, although it really can be, but also the mental anguish you feel is just almost too much.

So I was at home curled up in bed with a heating pad with Good Morning America on TV. Once the first tower was hit, they immediately switched the camera to the scene. And a few minutes later, I watched live as the plane flew into the 2nd tower. It was horrific. I actually saw the footage that they refuse to show now where you could actually see people jumping out of the building. I truly can't imagine how horrifying of a choice that was. One of my former friends (that's another story) came over that morning to see how I was doing and he was there when the Pentagon was hit and when the plane went down in PA.

So 9/11/01 did SUCK, but I refuse to let every 9/11 suck. I refuse to let the horrifying events of one day taint my birthday every year. I still try to stop at 8:46 AM every 9/11 to take the time to remember the heroes and everyday people who lost their lives because I truly think these people deserve that respect. But today, I will do that and I will bask in the utter joy of hearing my DD sing "Happy Birthday, Mommy"!!! And I hope you guys have a very good 9/11 too.

Grey's Anatomy

John and I decided to drop our satellite late last year to save money. We have the digital cable converter so we get maybe 20 or so channels, but there still isn't a whole lot that we want to watch. We have been watching TV shows on DVD that we already have. Grey's is one of my favorites and I've probably watched Season 1-6 at least 5 times since we dropped it. It's one of those shows that I can put on and surf the internet, read blogs or write blogs or go to sleep at the same time.

DD who turns 2 on 9/22 is addicted to Grey's. Isn't that hilarious? Last night she wanted me to turn it on, but we have been watching that Karaoke show on ABC so I wasn't going to put it on at all. She actually started crying and begging to watch Grey's...and she pronounces it Gays. It cracks us up. As soon as we walk in the house at night some nights she'll come in, take her shoes off, find something to drink and either go in the living room and ask for Elmo or Annie or she'll run to our bedroom and climb on the bed and scream, Gay's Mommy!!!!

Doesn't have anything to do with Celia, but how ironic is it that on July 11th I was sick and at home in the bed watching Grey's. For those of you who don't know, I took my mom to the ER on 7/12 and she was diagnosed w/ a malignant brain tumor. Would anyone like to guess what episode/season I was watching the day before???? The season where Derrick and Meredith do their clinical trial on glioblastoma brain tumors. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was sitting in the cafeteria at Duke two days later with John talking about it. It just completely freaked me out.

Celia and I just watched an episode a few minutes ago after her nap and we'll probably watch a few more tonight. It could be worse..... I also like Trueblood, but won't watch it with her home.

WW - well almost

I told you guys I had planned to get family pics done and it finally happened Saturday. My SIL couldn't come and we missed her, but everyone else was there. My cousin Diane did these for us and I have only seen a few, but I LOVE them all.
I can't guarantee that they will upload easily. They might be huge or tiny, but here they come: